To those who read my post...This is a personal entry. It may sound confusing, but I really don't know where else to say it or write it. I normally have a diary, that I write about my day. Now that I have a blog...I feeel like this is where I should post my thought!

This entry is between: Me & my once called best friend/god sister.

I know how we first began our friendship. It was 5th Grade. I did not know how to speak English. She met my cousin first in St.Thomas, a small town near London.. in Ontario. She never knew Asian could speak French. My cousin, was shocked that we all end up in the same school, so she introduced me to her.

When I first met her, I notice she wasn't really a girly girl, but we spoke the same language. I end up sitting talking beside her in class and got to know her better. During lunchtime, I would go to her house to watch Arthur and eat my lunch my mom packed for me. We would tell each other everyhing! It was always the two of us. We got in trouble together and got our lectures by our moms. I remember this one time, I got this big blister on my lip that formed into a bubble that was caused by bitting my lip eating HOT food and then drinking Cold drinks. The blister got soooo big that it needed to have surgery done to remove it. I don't remember what it was call. It was just painful and I was scared that I might of DIE. I told her I was scared and I just want to let her know she is a really good friend to me. She told me not to worry. We even made joke about it, because it was near Halloween time, that if the doctor cut it and my lip start bleeding like crazy and I could go door-to-door to get alot of candy. It was silly but she was there for me. The day I had to go see my doctor she handed a note to me. I still remember MOST of the things she said. She won't let me die. Hahah!!! The note is still somewhere at my parents house. There was so many other times that we shared, that I can't even blog about.

I can't type up all our moments. I know that even if I can write up about 100X entries about our moments it isn't enough. Words can't describe how I feel about her. I miss her so much and I feel like shit, for not ever mentiontioning how great she is. We were BEST OF BEST Friend and eventually took each other as God sister. Throughout Chippewa days which is the school we met in grade 5 to grade 8.

As Highschool came, we end up in different highschool. We still hung out the first year. We got in trouble together and this is where we started to be further and further away from each other. We were totally opposite. We didn't enjoy the same type of music, clothing, boy and etc. I end up not calling her everyday. I end up having new friends. I was just never around. When we hung out. I had fun but it wasn't the same. She also noticed I changed to be someone whom we thought I would never be. I don't know how to explain it. I jsut remember that, during highschool I just thought that she was mean to me and always wanted me to like what she like. I felt like if I didn't be WHO she wanted me to be, that OUR friendship was over. The way I use to see it when I was younger was to leave slowly. NOT completly dissappear. Of course I will still be there for her. It's just I didn't want to hang out with her ALLL the time. The people she hang out with I didn't really know them either. It felt like BOTH side has moved on. We both thought the same thing as long as one is happy, then we're happy.

I never go the chance to tell her why I wasn't around for her much. I know they say don't have any regrets. I sometime feel like, I just left her hanging. I'm ashamed and pissed off at how I am. The way I deal with my problems. I still want our friendship to be strong. I know that sometime her attitude may make me mad at times, but this is who she really is. I know I'm not perfect either. I know I pissed her off at time also. It was me alll along who changed. I was afraid to tell her how I feel. I didn't know how to let HER know without hurting her. I thought that IF I told her when we were in highschool about how I felt, that she would just CUT OFF contact. She won't speak to me again. I'm hurt that throughtout all these years I didn't realized she was the best for me. She's been there for me. I always see the bad things and never notice all the best thing she's done for me.

I know best friends understand each other. Best friends will get mad at each other and sometime want to just rip each other heads off because they dissagree. I'm getting older and I'm starting to miss her more. I feel like the way we left off wasn't right. I still consider her as one of my best friend/sister. I hate the fact that I couldn't be honest with her. Tell her how I truly feel. I'm feeling really empty. We haven't hang out for such a long time. I do try to talk to her about random things, but all I get from her are short respond. "How are you?" "Good, u?"

I feel like she didn't want to be friends with me anymore. I guess you can say we're both stubborn. I can't expect her to be like me. I can't barely type right now. I fok. Oka, what I'm trying to say is. I should have never let go of our friendship. If something was bothering me, I should of let her know and not let it dragged on for years and years. OUR friendship can never be REPLACED. Ever. She knows me really well and I can say the same for her! Why did I say stupid things to hurt her? Why didn't I realize how much she means to me until now. It's really true what they say. You never know how much someone means to you until they are gone. I'm jsut glad she is not COMPLETY gone and out of my life.

Until Today. I msged her on "MSN" we end up talking. Not like those short conversation we have over the years. We actually talk talk. We let everything out. I was really happy when she told me she misses the good old days. She misses US. At first before I use to think that she had her own life and I'm already out of the picture. Today, I found out that she still cared about us. OF COURSE My feeelings for her is the same. I grew up I change I'm sorry, BUT deep inside I LOVE HER TO DEATH. She's tough and I'm weak. She's bold and I'm italic. I cry typing this, she goes to sleep to forget. I miss her soo much and I regret not saying anything before she left. She's accross the world from me. When we told each other things that bothered us. I said things that I did not mean. If you're reading this. You would probably already know I'm not good at wording things. I should of called her instead of chatting with her! What I said, my tone cannot show. She cannot hear the way I say it. If anything, I'm horrible. I feel like I didn't try enought to make our friendship strong again. I would liek that VERY much right now, but what I said didn't came out right to her and made her upset. Why would I say something that would hurt her. I didn't mean for it to seem like I was attacking her. Not at all! I told her that this was what I use to think. I'm notlike that anymore. I'm not going to run away from our friendship. I want to be there for her through thick and thin. It's hard to pick up where we left off.

I REALLY want to talk to her right now. It's really hard for both of us to be open. She was open to me and I blew it. I foked up. I did not intend to sound that harsh. She WAS the best I was just blind to see. So much things happen that I can't write. I just want to let few things out, that inside of me there will always be her. There will always be that first person, that person who made you smile and your first friend. When youre with her, you can be yourself. I was childish to be who I was before and EVEN now trying to explain something and screwed up. If I could just rewind a bit earlier when I was talking to her and everything was good I should of told her I was tired and when to sleep, I just had to keep yapping and say things that didn't came out right that really made her feel bad! I'm such a fokhead to be like that. I don't want to lose her. I know when she's upset she says things she didn't mean. It hurts me alot when I know she is upset. We're not kids anymore we can't just be mad at each other over the most stupid thing.

All I really want is for us to be how we use to be. It may be hard especially now, that I screw up. I just want to tell her how sorryy I am. She was good to me and I was dumb to see it. She can punch me all she want. I'm still hurt and Seriously I never want to have serious conversation over MSN. It's not the way I meant to say it. She doesn't know the fact of how much I care about her. I miss her like crazy. It's hard to show her how I truly feel. I don't know what I'd do if I see her right now. Probably beg her to forgive me. A hug and a kiss. Cuddle and just ah.. I can't type anymore, right now. I think chatting is the worst WAY of communicating with someone and tell them how you feel. It always end up the wrong way.

I want to let her know soooo bad, that I want to be friends again. I don't know waht I'm going to do tomorrow. She said she rather talk to me tommroow and that she want to sleep on it. I can't sleep on it. I came to blog about it instead. I can't barely see my what I'm typing. I should probably try to sleep, I know I won't sleep for a while. It's 3 AM. I should force myself to sleep I have work. I put myself in this situation. I have to talk to her tomorrow and let her know that, THIS Is not WHAT I want it be.

Sorry...for hurting you again.
This is not the way I want it to end..I never WANT TO end it..NEVER!!!
Cindyxox